Birth, Death, Rebirth

Zoya was born on November 3rd 2016 in Suresnes, France, a small commune in the suburbs of Paris.  Her name means "bright, splendid, and alive".  I picked out her name when I was 10 years old based on a book my sister was reading at the time about a Russian countess.  It became my sister's nickname for a few years, and I thought it was the coolest, funkiest, most exotic name. Perhaps I always knew inside that I would have a little baby girl named Zoya.

I went into pre-term labour while I was travelling in Paris for work - I was 5 1/2 months pregnant.  The day before her birth I was walking through cobblestone streets and eating in little Parisian cafes. It was surreal.

She was kicking furiously right up until she was delivered into this world - she was a warrior. She didn’t take a breath outside of me. I got to hold her in my arms and say goodbye.  She was beautiful. I think she chose to be born in Suresnes for a reason. Maybe one day that reason will become clear. For now, I'm just moving through in a completely non-linear way and settling into a new normal. 

Although this has been my travel blog for a over a decade, I feel it is the right place to share this journey of motherhood.  With this loss, I have traveled to the depths of my soul and back. I have pondered life, the afterlife, and the journey of the soul. Writing has been very cathartic for me through this isolating journey of healing from second trimester loss.  I wrote this post below back in January...here is a window into my thoughts. 

. . .

She came and left the same day, into this world and out of it, in moments.  In the glorious beauty of autumn, her warmth hidden in the crisp of the leaves swirling to the ground in some mathematical formula that I didn’t know but understood in my soul.  Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. 

She left me alone to face the eternal winter of my soul.  It was a winter of self-reflection, devastation and disbelief.  The pure white snow covered my sorrow like a shroud.  I hibernated in this northern chill, with life swirling around me in patterns of a million snowflakes settling into frost. I retreated, further and further into myself until I was so lost I couldn't even recognize who I was.

Today I felt the sun again, renewed with hope that the spring of life is near and that Zoya is always here. She is still my daughter, just in a different world, on the other side.  What is it about the sun that makes me feel like things will be better one day?  It softens my grief ever so slightly.  Starts to thaw the cold, hardened parts of my soul. 

It is all cyclical - birth, death, rebirth.   We see it in the flowers, the leaves and the trees, in the plight of the caterpillar and beauty of the butterfly.  The days of the week, the months, the years, the seasons; all one pattern that keeps swirling.  As much as I don’t want the time to pass, it inevitably does. Time doesn’t stand still for anyone.  The more time passes, the further I am from that moment when I kissed her little head and tasted birth and death at the same time. I lived and died in that moment, along with her.  

Soon the winter will be spring and spring will give way to summer, when we were first together, my daughter and I. We were in one body but layered souls, with the imprint she left that is now forever a part of me.  I speak of her often.  Her name escapes my lips more than some people might be comfortable with.  But I do it, I do it all the time, because I want to talk about her.  Saying her name makes her real with my words, it breathes life into those moments in my memory.  It makes it a little less surreal.

She came and went that day in the fall and now I am trying to pick up my pieces and put them back somehow.  But they will never fit just the same as they used to.  They have made way for slivers of grief and gratitude to settle into the imperfect cracks as I try to put myself together piece by piece.  Today, with my face in the warmth of the sun, I realized where to find her.   She is in between those pieces that will never fit back just the same.  

Spring is rapidly arriving, and along with it comes inevitable rebirth.  It is hard to miss the sprouting green leaves, the blooming wildflowers, the warm wind on grassy plains.  Rebirth is not a choice, it is the law of nature.  I feel myself coming out of a winter of desolation, whether I want to or not.  These signs of nature both sadden me and soothe me, depending on the day.  Time is passing too quick and too slow.  The alchemy of transformation is happening whether I want it to or not.  So I may as well give in, give in to mother nature who is more of a mother than I could ever be.  I will let her soothe me and nurture me and take me through this time of growth.

If I am still for a moment in the sunlight and look within, I see slivers of light shining through the cracks.  This is where Zoya resides.  I thought she was made of me, but really I am made of her.  It is with her love and light that I am re-birthed into a new season of my life.   In grief and gratitude, I welcome this spring and everything that comes with it.  

(01.12.17)

Toronto through a Calgarian’s [big] Eyes

[casa loma at sunset]

My last post was a tad melancholy, oh-so-nostalgic and incredibly emo as I was reminiscing about packing up my childhood in 19 UHAUL boxes and starting a new chapter in my life. But now that I am on the brink of a new move to London for B-School [London Ontario that is, although England would sound more exotic and fitting for a “travel blog” post!], I thought I would write a bit about my adventures in Toronto thus far.

For the past year, I’ve had tons of people (from all over) ask me how I’m liking Toronto, advice on moving out of Calgary, etc….so I thought I would write a bit about what I’ve LOVED about living in Toronto this past year, and some things that I have not so loved….which are few and far between. I have really taken the time to try and explore this city, but the funny thing is that there is still so much more to do and see…Toronto is so dynamic and alive, and in such stark contrast with Calgary, a place I hold near and dear to my heart. So here I go…and in an effort to keep this list under control, I am organizing by category [surprise, surprise].

What I love about Toronto:
1) Fashion
• Toronto shopping is a constant battle for me…it’s always a Reccesionista versus Fashionista showdown. There are so many shoe stores and so many sales and I heart it!! Hurts my bank account but nothing can replace the feeling I get when I find that special something I’ve been waiting for all my life and just didn’t realize….erm, ya, that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!!!
• I love shopping on Queen Street in my wayfarers…hehe. So much fun boutique fashion…and so unique. Toronto really lets you embrace your personal style…kind of like Tokyo but not so extreme. But you could be extreme if you wanted to be…which is nice!
• Fashion Week is full of fun events and fashion shows – a definite must do if you are into that type of stuff.
• Nothing beats walking down Bloor Street on my Fridays off while sippin’ on Starbucks latte…the people here are next level rich and sometimes I just sit and people watch to see how one can afford to buy such extravagant stuff! Exhibit A: There is regularly a waiting list at Tiffany’s to speak to a sales associate! To SPEAK to a sales associate!! Recession?! What recession? The uber rich here are supercalafragilistic rich. Its depressing and amusing at the same time!

2) Culture
• If you don’t like a radio station…you have about a bazillion other choices. This really, really comes in handy when you are stuck in traffic due to a protest or something on a Sunday night at 11:00 trying to get home (I speak from experience).
• The throngs of people on the street! Calgary is a ghost town in downtown after 6:00 pm….while downtown Toronto dynamically comes alive. Patios, festivals, free shows…its amazing. Just this past weekend Cirque du Soleil did a free show at Harbour Front – for…free!
• You can go to an obscure club on a Wednesday night and have amazing music…that’s just how it is here. And it doesn’t matter whether you like hardcore reggae or acid rock….you can find a place that suits your fancy.
• Breakdancers in Dundas Square and street buskers in general! So fun to watch!
• The different pockets of culture…Portuguese town, artsy fartsy scene in Kensington market, coffee houses, poetry readings…you can be anything you want to be and embrace it with all you have. I was once walking down Queen with some girlfriends and one stepped into a music store and bought a guitar b/c its something she wanted to do for a while and didn’t have the chance…these are the best moments because it shows how the city just inspires you to explore your inner talents that have yet to be realized.
• Not enough culture for you? Tdot is a hop skip & jump from Montreal…which needs it's own list all together

3) Food
• So much food, amazing food, everywhere! At any time! At any price! 10:00 on a Tuesday night and craving Burmese food?? You can get it! Sushi is cheap, Thai is cheap, and the restos are guaranteed to be packed :)
• Not only is the street meat halal and amazing, but now you can get street vended ethnic food!
• Italian food in Little Italy (College) – mama mia, it’s amazing! (Try Vivoli, Coco Lezzone, the crepe place, Kalender, and Pomogranate Restaurant!)
• The Greek food on Danforth, especially during the annual Greek Festival
• Lahore Tikka House on Gerrard Street (Little India) – even though it has been under renos since ’05…the kebabs are amazing!!
• Finding random pizzerias…just went to an amazing place called Pizzeria Libretto on Ossington/Dundas and had a Duck Confit and Pear pizza cooked in a wood fired oven – it’s a must do for “authentic” Neapolitan pizza!
• The plethora of restos on King – jazz bars, wine bars, fusion restaurants, etc.

4) Weather
• We have 4 actual seasons here! I know this may sound odd to non-Calgarians, but this is important to note because Calgary has only 2 seasons…..Snowy and Rainy Season, and Stampede Season which is the hottest week of the year [30 C] when everyone parties and gets heat stroke…then we are back to Snowy and Rainy Season. It's not at all consistent! I do miss Chinooks…but the predictability of the weather in Toronto is well worth it. If it says its going to rain…it rains! If it says its going to snow, it snows! Its amazing!
• From November to February we have Winter. It snows like crazy, snow tires help. But then its OVER!!
• From March to mid June, we have Spring, where it rains. Rubber boots help, especially funky colourful ones.
• From mid June to September, we have Summer, beautiful wonderful summer, full of heat, tanning, beaches, patios, bonfires, bbq’s and sundresses. It’s absolutely divine!
• From Sept to November, we have Autumn…crisp, cool, crunchy, colourful Autumn. Far cry from the resilient ever-greens in Calgary that stay…ever green no matter what is on the ground.

5) Misc.
• Driving on the 407 – wide open spaces! Love it!
• Driving to and from downtown through Rosedale Valley Road…such a relaxing way to get into the core…its usually the stretch when I blast my music and sing my heart out! In the winter it looks like a curving sparkly winter wonderland, and in the summer like you are driving through a lush green forest.
• The anonymity of a big city…no one cares what car you drive or what purse you buy, no ones in your business. Speaking of purses, I love the smorgasbord of purse choices in the city!! But maybe that should go in another category…
• Beaches! Coming from Calgary, and trips to “Fish Creek Park” as the closest thing to a beach, it was such a foreign concept to have beautiful beaches on the lakes so close!
• I love that I have the ability to escape the concrete jungle of downtown to suburbia at least one day a weekend…to have a hearty indian meal, play some golf, spend 2 hours washing/waxing/leather conditioning my car…its great :)

What I do not love about Toronto:
• Paying for the 407 – it’s a toll highway and I use it too much. Eek!
• Road kill on the DVP – so much roadkill on my morning drives that I started naming the racoons that I see every morning and count how many days they’ve been there! [Roxy has currently been lying at DVP & Wynford drive for 3 days]
• For those of you that like the mountains…Toronto is a sad sad excuse for mountains. They have “Blue Mountain”, but its basically like Nose Hill, and probably smaller.
• Rush hour sucks, not gonna lie. But the solution is….live near your work! Your quality of life will vastly improve…so pay the premium to keep your commuting time low…you are in control! I go against traffic every morning so I don’t have a bad commute at all…so it is possible to work around it.
• It takes me a long time to straighten my hair with the humidity with this new godforsaken hair cut I chose to get in the efforts to feel more “edgy”. But when I return to my curly hair the humidity works in favour of my hair, nails, and skin! So it’s a pro and a con :)

All in all Toronto is a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book…and God knows, I loved those growing up! So that is my list, and I hope it helps anyone who is considering a move to Toronto! Ciao ciao!

The mad chaos of a random urban metropolis

I was driving down the DVP at sunset today, between Donmills and Bayview/Bloor, and was hit with an overwhelming wave of nostalgia. I wasn't sure at first precisely what it was that reminded me of a splice of home...was it the sunset? No, it was definitely a different type of sunset than Calgary...it was a muggy sunset, not a cold, crisp, cotton candy sunset. It wasn't the landscape either...I was surrounded by lush green trees on either side, going 120 [which by the way is way faster than I ever drove in Calgary]. Could it be the music, I thought, as I opened up my sunroof and sang my heart out to PM Dawn [Set Adrift on Memory Bliss]?


Then it hit me...it felt akin to the curves of 14th Street in Calgary, all those times when I was on my way home with Nosehill on my left and the city on my right. I used to love reaching that stretch of road -- when my phone would lose reception for a bit, and i could see the bright moon against the velvet sky, with the city lights glittering in the distance, and the stars poking holes up above. How I loved to reflect...with no one on the road but me, coming home from somewhere or the other, following the twists and curves and singing my heart out to songs especially made for whatever mood the moon put me in that day.

So I've moved to Toronto...and I had various requests to blog my move...but every time i tried to write about it I came up with nothing to say. I've been here for 4 months now and that first pang of nostalgia made me realize that...wow, i miss home sometimes! I wasn't sure when I'd feel inspired to write, but I guess the time is now. Moving was surreal. I guess I'll start from where I left off in my last post. Living in Calgary for 8 months after Europe was daunting at first, given the circumstances. But I needed to touch base. I needed to feel the comforts of home to realize I had outgrown the city.

I made new friends, reconnected with past companions, closed old chapters. I heard it everywhere - "I want to move, I want to get out of Calgary, I want to live somewhere else". I became one of those voices in the crowd....but something was different, my resolve changed. And before I knew it, opportunity struck. Like my favorite quote in The Alchemist - " When you want something bad enough, the universe conspires to help you acheive it". I packed up my childhood in 19 UHaul boxes, with a neatly catagorized Excel spreadsheet detailing my packing strategy to boot. My feet on the ground, my eyes wet, my heart anxious, my mind eerily calm. It was hard, it was easy. I was never good at goodbyes.

And then life spun around! For the first couple of months I was living in a hotel in the heart of the city, eating at random cafes and swanky restaurants alike, soaking in the sun and the patios and street buskers and festivals. One day I caught a random concert at Dundas Square, it was 70's theme and "Got to be Real" [Cheryl Lynn] was blasting...I was so happy to be right where I was that very moment that I almost cried.

This city is exhausting, but also exhilarating. There is so much to do and see, and so many people walking around at all hours of the day! I have explored Danforth (the greek area), frequented most of the restuarants and cafes in Little Italy, and of course eaten pani puri and masala dosaa in the colorful stink of Gerrard. I love the pretentiousness of Bloor Street and frequently dream of owning a downtown condo while sipping on a Starbucks honey latte. Yesterday i went to the beaches area and I could have sworn the air felt salty, like i was somewhere else, somewhere far away and not by any means at Lake Ontario. There is always something going on, always good music, great fashion, awesome shopping, and so so many different types of people! Sometimes i really feel like a farm girl when I hear people talking in Jamaican accents because I really thought that only happened in music videos!!

But everything aside, home is home. I miss those warm summer nights in Calgary, the berries on the trees in my cul-de-sac, the dry heat and the yellow wheat set against the azure sky. The mountains, the glittery cold, the crisp fall, the xmas lights in the mall. My mailbox, the rabbits in my yard, the bike path....ah, the familiar haunts of home. But i'm ready...to embrace it here. This city has so much to offer, not to mention i have a castle at my doorstep. It is exciting and scary at the same time, I did it - I moved, and a part of me wants to pinch myself because I dont know if this actually happened or if I am just dreaming this in my leopard bed with my pink carpet and my artwork strewn all over the wall. Somewhere along the way I think I grew up...not that i'll ever grow out of leopard print....but at least i don't consider it appropriate bedroom linen anymore. Yes sir, i've grown up and out of leopard print sheets and into high thread count egyptian cotton....when did this happen!?!

So that is my account of moving to Toronto...who knows what the future holds. I'll finish off here with a quote:

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain

I heart Cherry Blossoms (Vancouver BC)

It had been nearly a decade since I last visited Vancouver BC, so I thought it would be the right time to visit my bestie in Van before my move to Toronto.



Watching the Rockies from the plane was exhilerating...I had forgotten their vast glittering dominance of the landscape. Stepping into Van was incredible. The air felt so crisp and fresh....just breathing it felt wonderful! You will have to experience this phenomenon for yourself but it was truely amazing. Also, there were cherry blossom trees everywhere you looked! I loved it!


We had such a wonderful weekend...we went to some amazing restos for good seafood and vino and laughter and great conversation. On Saturday we rented a boat from Granville island and explored....it was a hilarious experience!!! We were scared but excited and went against everyone's better judgement! We of course had to request a map on the boat...we would like to consider ourselves adventure seekers but still need some direction. After boating, we spent time in a market in granville island...one of those lazy coffee and converstation days. Below are some pics!

I'll take you to the Candy Shoppe... (Banff AB)

[Main Street Banff]

My most favorite thing to do in Banff? Visit the Candy Shoppe and eat yummy home made fudge and other colorful confectionery!

Banff holds such a "deer" place in my heart. I go to Banff a couple of times a year, and have been going ever since I was young...it is only about an hour and a half outside of Calgary. I recently returned from Banff after a trip with some good friends, and it renewed my love for this little town.

I feel like I take Banff for granted sometimes....I have mountains at my doorstep! Only in Banff will you see mountain goat and deer walking along beside you....amidst the stunning backdrop of the Canadian Rockies. The gondola rides are a must, and if you are feeling adventurous you can actually trek up a mountain and then take a gondola back down. I highly recommend! Also, bring a frisbee and spend some time in the park.

Tunnel mountain is a must see, and if you can, head to Radium for some hot springs. If you want the hotsprings experience without the actual hotsprings, go to Banff Springs hotel and get a pass to their pool for a day (about $12.00 to $15.00 but well worth it). They have a beautiful out door heated pool that is especially divine when its cold outside. I say this because the actual Banff Hotsprings don't always have real hotsprings water and can sometimes be full of kids etc. Banff Springs hotel give you the same experience but is much more peaceful and relaxing.

Trail riding in Banff near Banff Springs hotel is an unforgettable experience. Also, if you feel like splurging, the spa in Banff springs hotel is AMAZING with a Hungarian mineral bath pool. If you need something else to do, its always fun to peruse along the main strip in banff and take a look around in the little niche shops. Below are some pics!

Trail riding in Banff

Love the horsies!

Welch's Old Fashioned Candy Shoppe


Random Mountain Goat (i think thats what they are)



A lovely trek




Deer on the main road

View of the gondola system

View from the top!

Gypsy No More

[Calgary Alberta: Home]

It's so comforting to come back from traveling and have a double-cupped Timmys (why don't they just get sleeves??) whilst watching a Canada flag flap in the air. I've been home for a month now...and wow what a run that was. The past 2 years have been absolute madness...before Feb 06, I saw nothing more than my backyard (yes, Mexico and the US are considered Nosehill Park in my books). And now, 15 countries later, I feel like there is still so much more to see! Life is so much bigger than just the warm Chinooks of Calgary -- and I feel so fortunate that I was able to do the traveling that I did. Now back to my prairies, back to my mountains, back to the beloved efficiency of this place we call home. I love the Alberta beef, I love the courteous drivers, and I love the signs that make sense. I hate the bloody weather, I hate the cracked windshields, and I can't stand how most of us don't take time to enjoy the simple things - so caught up in the North American mentality of materialism and following a "prescribed set of steps to success". I'm not saying i'm innocent (far from it)...i'm just saying that traveling really makes you reevaluate what is important in life. In the end, its the laughter, the people and the memories that you will be holding on to. I will miss random slang, I will miss good coffee, I will miss good cheese!!

Gone are 5 years of nomadic life - ripping away from everything I know, four months at a time. Am i ready for stability? Time will tell. There is still so much more to see...but i take solace in the fact that home will always be here. Underneath it all, i'll always be a prairie girl -- boot scoot and boogying my way through life with a sprig of wheat in my hair and imaginary cowboy boots on my french pedicured feet.

So to my friends that have followed me through my travels with my blog musings -- don't let the mundane comfort of home let you get complacent and stop you from following your dreams! You want to sip Moet on a beach in Monaco? Meet a handsome millionaire with a yacht in Sydney? Build mud huts in the Amazon and live life barefoot? Explore the mad chaos of a random urban metropolis? Or just make a complete career change and never see a TPS report again? Yeehaw my friends and Carpe Diem!

[at the Pearson Airport sippin on Timmys]

Meena Nanji, B.A.Sc. (Waterloo ON)

My university world is in 5 medium sized identical UHAUL boxes traveling across the country right now...how dramatic. It's been a full week and now I have some time to reflect...it seems so unreal that its over. I guess its been finishing in phases....my closest friends left while i was in Australia so this goodbye wasn't as crazy as it could have been...which is a good thing. I've been saying my goodbyes every four months for five years now...i'm used to it...but i still wouldn't say I'm too good at it.

I had no idea what to do with my fishy Electra...so i decided to set him free in Columbia Lake. I know i probably aided in its death by depositing it into dirty (possibly man made) waters where it will likely be eaten alive by bigger and more ferocious lake dwelling fish...but i guess the first couple of minutes of his freedom felt incredible when he realized he wasn't looking out through those glass walls. Oh the visceral irony of it all...how i wish i could stay in that glass bowl for a bit longer. Not one part of me is ready to enter those murky waters of real life.

The day of my last exam i decided to go incognito on this side of the world and do a little uni documentation of all the spots that meant something to me these past 5 years. Here they are below...

311 - the venue for pre-bar, post-bar, and themed parties, chilled out conversations, tv marathons, lots of laughter, cooking mishaps, post bar conversations lasting till the wee hours of morning...always good friends, always a distraction whenever needed...i'll miss it.

Currently named FUBAR (stands for Fu*kd Up Beyond All Recognition) but will always be Loose Change Louies in my heart! How many Thursday nights did we spend here...a hell of a lot thats how many....until Ceaser's came along.

Our regular Thursday night venue this past year...good times were had by all. The bouncers, the walks to and from in the freezing snow with open toe shoes, the lineups, the late entry and slamming double fisted doubles...

What were Friday nights in loo without Revolution? Although it changed throughout the years...the boys got ghetto-er, the girls got younger...the music got worse, the bar got a makeover...i guess we just got older. Memories of Moet, Pre-drinking with Hyp, checkered floors and lockers in the bathroom...how happy would we be when our 75 cents actually worked?? thats when we knew it would be a great Rev night...

And what would Rev be without Gino's after?? Although now called Campus Pizza...(was it ever called Ginos when i was around??), a night was never complete without a cab ride to Ginos...veggie pizza with garlic sauce, shooting the sh*t outside for a bit, post rev chilling session at our place...then sleeping through Saturday and S&TC on Saturday nights...then dc on sundays...that was the reg.

The walk to engineering...

My most favoritest bubble tea place ever! What great energy! I will miss their small chilled milk honeydew mango bubble tea with tapioca pearls :(

Ahhh Phat Cat gyros...and the gyro nazi...he was absolutely crazy but i still ate them for lunch at least 2wice a week...i dont know why i never just paid for the extra topping!!

Mel's was never our spot - but good milkshakes and rubbery eggs. Sugar mountain when we were in need of a sugar rush. And for all the sushi i ate here this term, i should have been called Mrs. Sushi.

DWE - the chem eng's home. Sitting in the same classrooms for hours on end while the non english speaking profs came in and out, stumbling over their words and offering brutal assignments as consolation...

The suffocating halls of DWE...


Ah, the pleasant smells of the 4th year room...the computers that were always locked and the mad rush to copy/finish assingments...my how our morale dropped as the years progressed...

Well, there it is folks. My university career in a nutshell...I'll miss my little fishbowl. Now onto the murky waters of real life...